With all the excitement going on about the world warming up or something, it's easy to forget that one of the most vicious creatures to ever live is native to that icey place that I forgot the name of... That creature is the Polar Bear. Having said this, you might want to prepare yourself in the rare case a Polar Bear decides to float over to your house on an iceberg and either maul you or eat your canned tuna. Luckily for you, you're reading the TOP 5 WAYS TO DEFEND YOURSELF AGAINST A POLAR BEAR (NUMBER 5 WILL SURPRISE YOU!!!). Number 1: Use the Power of Scripture
Okay, to be fair Polar Bears don't understand English, so this one might be a bit of a problem. However, you can still read it to them and hope they like the vibrations coming out of your mouth. If not, you're doomed. Number 2: Use a Microwave
This one is a bit complicated, so remember to follow these instructions step-by-step so you don't miss a beat. 1) Coax the bear into you're house [you can use tuna or the smell of you're own deliciousness]. 2) Tell the bear they're just in time for dinner and you saved them a plate [this is also assuming they understand English, which they don't]. 3) When they sit down to wait for their supper, nuke a can of tuna in the microwave for 30 minutes straight on maximum power. 4) When it's done cooking, bring it to the Polar Bear on a silver platter. Let him eat it and scald his mouth by how hot it is [Polar Bears are greedy and eat their food in one bite, maximizing the potency]. The Polar Bear usually leaves after getting burnt, but about half the time it just takes it's rage out on you. This is a very effective Polar Bear removal method with about a 2% chance of survival (which is very high, mind you). Number 3: Tell the Polar Bear you're Allergic to Getting Eaten
Most Polar Bears are very welcome and accepting of people with certain allergens, and will generally avoid eating you if they know it causes you discomfort. How kind of them! Number 4: Tell them you Drink Pepsi
Polar Bears are by nature Coca-Cola fans (it's in their DNA. Trust me, I'm a scientist), because of this, they'll avoid Pepsi like their lives depend on it. The only problem with this method is saying you drink Pepsi, which might be worse then getting eaten by a bear. This method has a 100% survival rate, but a 76% chance your family will disown you. Number 5: Convince the Bear to Become a Vegan
This is by far the riskiest option, but the payout could be phenomenal. Tell the Bear about the wonders of eating fruits and vegetables, heck, maybe even throw in a graph about the health improvements veggies would give. The only problem with this method is the fact that (yet again) Polar Bears don't understand English, and will probably just straight up maul you. But hey, it's always worth a shot. This pretty much sums up the TOP 5 WAYS TO DEFEND YOURSELF AGAINST A POLAR BEAR (NUMBER 5 WILL SURPRISE YOU!!!).
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